ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Before & after 😅
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’ve been drinking.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.