Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.