HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
At least try to make it slightly believable
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Smooooooth
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.