Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Can’t stop laughing
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Many hands make light work