I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out