Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.