(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
japanese corn
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I see your IQ test came back negative
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”