“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Uh oh…
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.