Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…