Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*aggressively waits in line*