Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Is….Is this an option?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
That 👊
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t