God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
who wants to go expliring
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids