I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
smartest karate player in the world
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF