when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad