Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Webb. James Webb.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.