Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
This fish is cracking me up