throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy