[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.