Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The funk soul brother
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.