[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.