Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Quadruple digit IQ
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
mom had nothing to worry about
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.