Mountain Goat : )
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I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me irl
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.