All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I will never stop laughing at this
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.