Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure