Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!