Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My typo game is string.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Spider-cat: No One Home
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round