[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”