If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
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She was REALLY feeling it.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit