United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Had to try this trend 😊
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
get you a girl who
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.