Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
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Found my door mat
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?