This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
You Might Also Like
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.