“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Steam Forums
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*