HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.