If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.