*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.