Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
You Might Also Like
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.