I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.