michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’m not lazy