[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*