How did we not see this back then?
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me