They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
good work, everybody
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?