[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”