starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out