Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
You Might Also Like
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Jurassic park gets weird
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.