Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.