People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
me working on my assignments ^-^
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I have never related to anyone more.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”