My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.