*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday