Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.