“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Saturday
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off